Take a bow

Death isn't usually something you think aout too much as a young person. It seems like a distant thing.. something you don't have to think about for years to come, and maybe not even then. I think we're all sometimes guilty of having this idea that we're somehow invinsible, like we have all the time in the world..

I had my first experience of death a couple of months ago when my gran died, and it's had quite a profound affect on me. All of a sudden, death is a reality, and it's really got me thinking. Perhaps this seems morbid but its made me think about when I reach that time, how will I feel about the way I lived my life? Suddenly when you think like that the petty things don't matter anymore.. All of a sudden you want to invest your time into something worthwhile, something of value..

“Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live…Before they know it…time runs out.” - One Tree Hill

How many of us want to reach our potential in life? I'm sure many people would say they want to, if asked that question. But how many people actually do? How many of us are held back by fear, doubt or just apathy? How many of us waste our energy on things that don't matter.. having petty arguments, holding grudges, gossping, worrying about a 'bad hair day', etc..

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favourite films (Gladiator) is :

'What we do in life, echoes in eternity'


And it's so true.. the decisions we make,the things we do, the stones we throw into the water, create ripples that carry on and on. It makes me wonder what my echoes will be. This realy harsh reality has suddenly hit me that, I get one life on this earth.. and one day it really will come to an end.
My dad has always encouraged me to enjoy every day, to make the most out of life; 'This is not a rehersal' he says. And as much as I've always known that, now I really know it. Coming face to face with death, and having that revelation of your own mortality is quite a hard thing to handle. It puts things into a whole new perseptive, sifts out all the insignificant rubbish and makes you see the core things that are really important in life.
Suddenly, being popular/centre of attention isn't important as being somebody who actually makes a difference in the world, suddenly pride takes a back seat as you tell the people in your life that you love them because, what if you don't get another chance to... all of a sudden the idea of having lots of money isn't as important as how you can use it to bless/help people.. or watching endless hours of T.V doesn't seem as appealing as going out and experiencing life for yourself! Fears of inadequecy, and fears of failure seem to diminish because at the end of the day, as long as you've given it your best shot, what does it really matter!?

So what do we do? Do we sit around, thinking about death all day, praying that God will give us a long life? Do we become wreckless, thinking only of ourselves, doing whatever we feel like whenever we feel like, acting on impulse just incase it's our last day? Do we refuse to ever watch T.V and wear ourselves out going everywhere and doing everything? No..
I was talking to a friend about this topic and after a few minutes of pondering I said to him, 'You know what? I think that if a doctor told me today that I only had a few years left to live, how much more would I actually live in those few years than I ever have in the past twenty?'
And I kinda think thats the way we should think.. . Just to sometimes take a step back.. put things into perspective.. Tell the person you love them, learn to dance, travel the world, write a book, learn an instrument, start your own business, join a charity, laugh untill your sides hurt, help the homeless man, go skydiving, dye your hair pink, run along the beach naked! haha! maybe not the last one =).. but just break free of all the stupid things you worry about or think are important...forget about certain things in the past.. have fun and make a difference..

Having such a revelation of death can make you feel depressed, anxious or sometimes hopeless. After all, we work and strive and then we die.. whats the point in it all? But I believe that if you're still here on earth, then God's put you here for a purpose.. that there's people lives you've gotta change, things you've got to do that can make a difference, a purpose there for you to fullfill.... but do we fulfill it? Or do we let fear/apathy get in the way?

I'm not trying to scare anybody or put a dampner on anyone's day with this blog. We shouldn't live in fear of death and we definatley shouldn't dwell on it all the time, it is just a part of life but I think that sometimes we (r at least I) become a little too complacent, and need a kick up the backside to get me to really appreciate life and make the most out of it..

William Shakespeare compared life to an act.. 'All the world's a stage, all the men and women merely players; they have their thier exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts.'

So when we take our final bow and the curtain closes how will we feel about the part we played. Were we the bad guy in the play or the hero? Did we put everything into our performance or just enough to get us by? Did we play a lead role or did we hide backstage, too scared to play a part? Did we laugh, cry, dance and sing? Or were we paralysed by fear? Would the audience appaulde, or would they be glad it's over? Cos the thing is, we only get to do one show...

Jesus said ' I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly' - John 10v10

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
- Diane Ackerman

It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Your life feels different on you, once you greet death and understand your heart's position. You wear your life like a garment from the mission bundle sale ever after -- lightly because you realize you never paid nothing for it, cherishing because you know you won't ever come by such a bargain again.
- Louise Erdrich

Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope.
- Tom Head

"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth." — William W. Purkey


“Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life”

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's maybeline..

I think we've all looked in the mirror some mornings and thought.. 'errrgh'..

We inspect our faces, check out the spot the size of Mount Vesuvius thats managed to errupt on the end of our nose overnight, look at the untamable hair that makes us look like we've been dragged through a bush backwards.. the eyebrows that need plucking, the blemishes that need covering.. and... is that a few wrinkles I see appearing??
With a sigh we we go take a shower, and then we can't help but notice our wobbly bits, like our tummy's and thighs ( that seem to be getting more wobbly as the days go by) and remind ourselves again that we simply must start our diet tomorrow..
Then we get dressed and put on the make-up.. desperately trying to disguise our flaws.. hide our blemishes and make ourselves.. beautiful. Thats the whole aim isn't it? To be beautiful...
To get a man you must be beautiful.. to keep a man you must be beautiful... to be popular you must be beautiful.. to be liked you must be beautiful..
There's a well known saying 'Beauty is only skin deep'... but is it really? It may seem that way because our culture has limited the meaning of the word 'beauty' to physical appearence..

When I was a child I used to love reading Roald Dahl books... and this quote from 'The Twits' has stuck in my mind since then..

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." — Roald Dahl

Beauty is a lot deeper than Maybeline, L'Oreal or Rimmel would have us believe... Yes, in part it is about how we look.. but it doesn't just stop there.. it goes into the depths of who we are, what we do, how we treat people, and how we think...

Now I've noticed something whilst walking to Uni over the past few weeks..
To get to my campus I have to walk down a dual carriageway.. and Ive found that I can get a feel for whether I'm looking good or not that day...

If you're looking good you get quite a few beeps from the creeps in the white vans.. and if you're not looking so good, you don't get any.. or maybe one at a push..

Depending on my mood that day sometimes the beeps go over my head.. but other days it really bugs me.. so these guys are so shallow that one minute, when I'm in jeans and a hoodie and havn't put much effort in, I'm invisible.. but then.. the next day, when I've spent a bit of time doing my hair, and maybe I'm wearing something a bit more fashionable.. I'm suddenly 'beep worthy'... this type of behaviour from men only reinforces the idea in our heads that we're not beautiful unless we turn heads... (or get a few beeps) .

Now don't get me wrong here... I'm not a feminist and I'm sure all ladies (including myself) agree that its nice when a guy finds you attractive... we want to be attractive and there's nothing wrong with that.. but it becomes a problem when we think that catching a guy's attention is what makes us beautiful...

There's also nothing wrong with make-up ( thank goodness for it! I think I'd scare quite a few people without it) It helps us make the most of ourselves and gives our confidence a bit of a boost.. but again, is that where our self worth lies? Without it, do we ever or can we ever feel beautiful? If I'm honest I struggle with that.. for me if I don't have my make-up to hide behind I usually use my hair instead, pulling it close to my face.. staring at the floor.. somewhat resembling cousin it..
The adverts, the magazines, the T.V shows all tell us 'you're not good enough!' Not unless you have shiny flowing hair like cheryl cole, a bootylicious bum like beyonce, lips like angelina jolie and a figure like a supermodel...

Over the past few days I've been at St.Davids in west wales and there's a little retreat by the sea that's run by Irish nuns. I met them for the first time the other day and they were absolutley delightful.. and what struck me was that, they wear no make-up, they wear simple, plain clothes and they're all 60+ and yet they're beautiful...

The peace, kindness, and love that emenates from them is just beautiful.... who they are is beautiful...
They had many quotes pinned up around in the hallways, and this was one of them:

'On the sixth day God created woman, and God said to her I shall give you; A heart full of compassion, a spirit to fly with the birds, a vessel to carry life into the world, courage to rise above opression, wisdom to know great truths, strength to move mountians, gentleness to kiss the earth, passion to set the world on fire, a playful nature to dance with children,vision to repect the earth that bore you, laughter to fill the valleys, intuition to know the unknown, tears to wash away the pain, desire to be that which God created her.. and God said to her 'woman, I have created you in my image and likness and you are good.'
-author unknown
Beauty is so much more than skin deep.. the only problem is, today's society will try (and a lot of the time succeed) to convince us otherwise... More value seems to be put on the way we look rather than who we are as people...

There's a quote in the film cool runnings when the coach is talking to one of the team members in the bobsled team about winning the olypic gold medal and he says 'If you're not enough without it, then you'll never be enough with it.' And I feel its the same with our whole image thing.. if we don't feel enough without the make-up or expensive, fashionable clothes and jewllrey...if we don't feel that we are beautiful without all the tricks and gimicks, then we definatley won't be enough with them because we think that our self worth lies in them and not in who we are.. and we'll constantly be striving to be prettier, skinnier, younger etc.. trying to get to this unattainble perfection...
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that yes its good to keep in shape, eat healthy, excerise, wear make-up and nice clothes and basically make the most of yoursellf, there's nothing wrong with that, it great!.. but the problem starts when we think that that's all that beauty is.. Maybe we should stop asking 'mirror mirror on the wall' and ask our Creator what He thinks of us.. what does He consider beautiful? He says we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made'..

The scipture Ephesians 2v10 says 'For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.' The greek word used in this scipture for workmanship is poiema which translates as 'masterpiece' or 'work of art' and its where we get our word 'poem' from.. ( and of course this goes for guys too )

We need to believe that we are beautiful.. We are God's 'work of art', His 'composition', His 'poem'.. made in His image and likeness to express His beauty here on earth.. To represent His love, kindness, forgivness etc.. Maybe we really should stop asking 'mirror mirror on the wall' and instead start focusing a little on mirroring His beauty.

(wow oestrogen overload) lol

Why So Serious?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously- Oscar Wilde


Some people don't take anything seriously.. others take everything too seriously.. and sometimes, its hard to get the right balance. Being not serious enough can turn your life into chaos, whereas too much can rob you of actually living..


However much I'd like to think otherwise, now and again I keep finding myself leaning more towards the latter... being too serious, and sometimes making 'mountains out of molehills'.. and I've asked myself why..

Have you noticed how kids never take things too seriously? Novel situations are more likley to evoke exitement, not fear. They try their best to make everything fun! I was walking up the Brecon Beacons the other day, and I walked past a family. There were three young boys and a beautiful little girl, and as I walked past them I watched how they played. They ran through the mud and puddles, chasing eachother and shrieking with laughter. They didn't care about their muddy clothes, they weren't worried about what I, or anybody else thought of them, they were just having fun.


It reminded me of how me and my brother Rhys used to play in those mountains when we went there as children, as I looked over the grass I could almost replay it like a video in my head. I could see us fighting with sticks, I could see Rhys shoving me into the nearby prickly bushes and laughing, me tripping him up into the mud, or him throwing a snowball at my face at point blank when it snowed.... all part of being siblings lol! :) And it just made me think back to when I was a kid... sometimes its easy to lose/forget that childlike sense of freedom and fun! Sometimes as we walk through life we pick up all these hang ups, issues, burdens. What is it about kids, that they turn everything into 'fun?' Does that childlike sense of fun become lost over the years? or is it just suppressed? Or is it robbed of us as we experience the hardships life can throw at us?



I say childlike because there's a big difference between being childlike and childish. We're not mean't to be childish, forget our responsibilities, throw tantrums when we don't get out own way etc... but I don't think there's anything wrong with being childlike. Sometimes its good to remember what it feels like to not put much emphasis on what people think, not to care too much about weather you're skinny/pretty enough, to not care if you get a bit dirty when you're out and about...


Isn't it odd how when we get to a certain age, its gradually stops..the climbing up trees, the playing with play dough, the 'making dens', the playing hide and seek/tag, or playing 'pretend'.. all seems to stop.. But does the desire stop? Quite possibly for some of us it does .. maybe I sound crazy but if I'm honest, I still wanna do some of those things sometimes! haha!



But no, we're 'grown ups' now.. people would look at us like we're crazy if we decided to roll down a hill, make a 'den' out of the bed sheets, play sword fights with sticks, or play on the swings..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APhS2wDTIrw

( this is a little off the subject but a very funny clip of Dylan Moran, talking about the differences between adults and kids)

Its not even just the silly children games or anything for me.. sometimes I just find myself being too serious.. too worried about what people think, too worried incase I 'offend' someone, sometimes too serious about trying to be 'perfect' instead of just 'being', too precoccupied with the 'bigger' questions in life. But the key word we need here is 'balance.' We can't be careless - say what we want, act how we want etc.. and we can't (shouldn't) ignore the 'bigger' questions in life. Its all about balance..

Sometimes its easy for little anxieties and worries to hijack our brains and preoccupy them so much that we forget to just have fun.. forget to put things into perspective and just say.. 'in the big relm of things, what does this matter?' My dad made me laugh when we were talking on this subject once... he said he has a 'shit filter'... when he finds a few things worrying him he stops, considers them all, and asks himself if they're really worth worrying about - if they really matter in the wider picture.. all the rubbish he disregards and just gets on with it..
and I think thats actually a good idea.. because without realising it, we can get uptight and serious about things that are just not that important, we end up wasting precious time and energy.. so sometimes its good to just take a minute, pause.. and put our worries through the 'shit filter' and not take life so seriously lol!

( Please don't get me wrong here by the way and think I am belittling real serious issues.. there is of course a time to take certain things seriously)

So sometimes we may be feeling a bit down, maybe we're a little bit low on money( I know how that feels as a student lol ), maybe we're worrying about body image issues, exams, maybe we're lacking in confidence, maybe we worry that 'so and so' doesn't like us, maybe we did a bit of a 'faux pas' the other week... or perhaps we've been thinking too much about something. I'm a deep thinker.. love to reflect, but as crazy as it sounds there can come a point where thinking over something can become counter productive. If we dwell on certain things too much they can end up dragging you down, because they get magnified and put out of perspective. I suppose an example for me recently would be death. ( sorry if I seem like I'm being all morbid but I'm just trying to make a point) When my nan died, I began to think about it.


Thinking about it and coming to terms with it was good in a way.. I realised death was a part of life etc.. and it gave me the revelation of how its good to make the most of our lives 'cos we're not on this earth forever. But for a while before I came to terms with it it was counter productive.. I started to think 'what's the point?' etc and fear entered my heart. It seemed to be constantly in my mind. And it's those times you gotta tell yourself 'stop thinking about it so much'.. or maybe perhaps not so much stop the thinking but what you're thinking about.. but that's a whole other blog I think lol


So I guess all I'm trying to say is that sometimes in life we should just stop, check what kinda things we're worrying/thinking too much about, thank God for all our blessings and and ask ourselves... why so serious? If you can't give yourself a good reason then just let it go..





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU <--- Very good song :)

Cast all your anxiety on Him (God) because he cares for you - 1 Peter 5v7

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years - Abraham Lincoln
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive - Elbert Hubbard

The Simple Things

There's a song my dad used to play in the car when I was growing up. It's called 'Simple things' by Joe Crocker. And he always used to tell me how important it is to appreciate the simple things in life.. I'm starting to learn what he mean't..

At the moment my nan isn't well. She's got a terminal lung disease and her condition has got raplidly worse over the past few months. She lives with my mum and I so we have to deal with the situation on a daily basis.. which we do.. (I mean everybody has hard stuff they gotta face/deal with at some point in their lives right? please don't get me wrong here and think I'm looking for a pity party, I'm just explaining the facts)..

My nan can't do anything. She's more or less housebound.. constantly contained between the four walls of either her living room or her bedroom..barely eating, constantly hooked up to an oxygen machine (before anyone thinks I'm getting too melancholy/morbid there is a difficult, but I believe important lesson I'm learning from this )

The other night after me and my mum put her to bed, it really hit me how awful it would be to be in her situation. How much would I miss the everyday things?
That night when I went to bed I couldn't help but think about what it would be like to be in my nan's situation. To have all the simple things be taken away from me..

I imagined not being able to run up the mountain behind my house.. to not feel my heart thumping.. feeling air saturate my lungs.. I imagined not being able to go walking up Breacon..
The other day me and my dad went bikeriding in Afan Argoed and we probebly spend a total of £4 having a snack and a drink at the cafe when we got to the end and my dad turned and said to me 'your nanna would give anything to have been able to do this today.' Two bikes, about 4 quid, a sunny day, and that was all we needed to have a great day.. simple.

The next evening I was over my boyfriend's house..we were cwtched up, eating pizza and watching a film.. and as simple as that scene is, I thought.. imagine never being able to have this again.. When you start thinking like that suddenly the most mediocre, everyday things can seem wonderful.. laughing with someone so much your eyes water.. feeling the relaxing effect of someone stroking your hair...
The other day, I was walking home from work and the heavens opened... I don't think I'd ever seen rain like that in this country before.. it was so incredibly heavy rain and I instantly got soaked right through, but continued to walk down the streets whilst others cowered under shop shelters.. they looked at me like I was crazy but I didn't care... The feel of the warm rain falling over me was invigorating, refreshing. Whereas I would usually have been totally gutted that I'd forgotten my umbrella, I found myself actually appreciating the rain! ( and that's saying something in Wales because we see it a lot)

Last night me and my mum went to a mountain to see the stars and in the hope of seeing some shooting ones.. again.. simple.. just the two of us, and a car with some fuel in.. all that was needed to go out and appreciate God's amazing creation.. to stare in wonder at the balls of fire shooting across the sky..

Sometimes I think we can become so used to the simple things that we take them for granted and can sorta become desensitized to them.. allowing other things to go to the forefront of our minds.. how much money we have, for example.. or what we look like/ how popular we are, what car we drive etc. Whereas some of these things are of some importance, its easy to get our priorities all wrong.

It sounds really cliche but recently the well known saying of life being a 'gift' has really hit home to me.. none of us are garuanteed tomorrow.. God has benevolently breathed life into us.. given us the wonderful senses to hear, touch, taste, smell and see.. he's given us the capacity to love and to be loved.. and to create things.. to laugh... to feel things.. when you really think about it.. it's amazing..

And so recently I've found that I've been appreciating the normal, everyday things like seeing a beautiful view, feeling the sun on my face, breathing in fresh air or spending time with my family. I even appreciate the taste and smell of things...

I've imagined not being able to hear.. imagined not being able to listen to the pieces of music that move me, that somehow seem to touch the soul or uplift your spirit. Imagined not being able to hear a cool beat that I could dance to, not to hear laughter or the voices of the people I love..

Sometimes when life sucks and everything's is going wrong, or the situation you're in is difficult/lonley or hopeless.. we have these simple things to fall back on.. its difficult but sometimes then it's important to value the simple things.. even if its as simple as being able to run up a mountain, being able to hear a beautiful piece of music, go for a bikeride, walk along the beach, taste the delicious taste of our favourite food, or just to breathe in fresh air...

My nan can now only do two of the six things I've mentioned there.. and there's many more simple things she can't do anymore.. I wonder if she really appreciated the other things she could do when she was actually able to do them...

I know its made me appreciate them, and recently I've found myself thanking God for a simple thing everyday..

"Appreciation of life itself, becoming suddenly aware of the miracle of being alive, on this planet, can turn what we call ordinary life into a miracle. We come awake to such a realization when we recognize our connection to a spiritual dimension." Dan Wakefield

“We do not care of what we have, but we cry when it is lost.” Russian Proverb

"Life holds so many simple blessings, each day bringing its own individual wonder." John McLeod

'This World Moves So Fast...Sometimes You Got To Slow Down, Down, Down.....To Find Out What Its All About' - lyrics from 'The Simple Things' by Joe Crocker

You are what you think

Everybody at some point, has felt the mixture of horrible feelings that accompanies low self-esteem/lack of confidence. It causes unsettling feelings of anxiety, doubt, depression, fear, worthlessness etc.

Sometimes its hard to even detect what caused it in the first place. It could've been a critisism or a failure which started the thought process, and then it seems like we're all too ready to apply this attitude of 'worthlessness' to every area of our lives and say 'I knew it all along, I'm crap at everything!'

I remember a preacher asking once, 'During the day, who do you talk to the most?' The immediate answer that springs to mind when a preacher asks you that is 'God'... but that wouldn't be true, and he said.. 'it's yourself. The person you talk to the most is yourself. Now consider the content of the conversation.'

And really, it's appalling. I would never talk to another person, the way a talk to myself. From the time we wake up, to the time we go to sleep, we could go the entire day without saying one kind word to oursleves. Now don't get me wrong here, i don't go around all day critisising myself out loud or shouting at myself in the mirror, lol... but without realising it we do talk to oursleves all day, just in the form of thoughts.

For example, when we look in ther mirror do we think 'Damn i'm looking good today' or do we think 'look how many spots I've got, and not to mention my belly. I've got more rolls than a bakery!'
But it goes deeper than outward appearence. Thoughts like 'I'm not tough enough, not clever enough', or 'i'm not interesting/funny enough' bombard our heads. 'You're too quiet, too clumsy, too emotional..'

'You're just not good enough!' we tell ourselves. These thoughts erode away our confidence, and everytime we think these things they become that little bit more easy to believe. Each time, they become that little bit more true...
Proverbs 23:7 says 'As a man thinketh, so is he.' The image i get in my head when i think about this is.. as we think negative thoughts about oursleves, its like we're binding oursleves. When we say, 'I'm useless', its like putting chains on our hands, therefore making us useless because our hands are bound. When we say 'I'm stupid/ I'm such an idiot', we put chains around our mind, limiting our abilty - leaving talents/gifts laying dorment and unused. When we think that what we have to say doesn't matter, that our opinion/thoughts are unimportant, that we won't make a difference..it's like putting a gag in our mouth.

Now the way I see it.. your potential never dissappears, it just gets bound. And thats how you become what you think..

Perhaps just consider for a moment that your unspoken words (held back because of doubt in yourself and the belief that what you have to say doesn't matter) could be the very words that a person in your life needs to hear. Perhaps there's somebody who needs help, but your hands are bound, so you become useless. I believe that everyone has got something to offer- a gift/talent.. But when we convince ourselves that we havn't, its stays hidden, and no-one (including yourself) ever sees it.
I remember this one day, I can't even remember exactly when or even where if i'm honest, but probebley years ago, I remember having this sudden awareness that God was... well, the only way i can describe it is 'hurt' because of the way I thought about myself. I was constantly critisising myself.. the person that He had planned, designed and created. And I was humbled because here I was.. little old Rhiannon from a little town called Neath, evaluating myself and saying.. 'God, you did a crap job.' Obviously unintentionally, but that is basically the message I was giving..

'It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.' ~Author Unknown

So if its our thoughts that can bind us.. its our thoughts that can free us too.. as long as we think differently...

Sometimes we need to stop telling ourselves that we're useless, stupid, ugly, boring or unimportant etc.. and tell ourselves that we're clever, beautiful,/handsome, useful and important, therefore freeing the potential that was previously bound..

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." — Roald Dahl

'Of all our infirmities, the most savage is to despise our being.' ~Michel de Montaigne

So even if you feel like the little vunerable kitten in the image at the top, perhaps full of self-doubt.. tell yourself you're a lion full of purpose, potential and courage.. and the lion is what you'll become...

Back to the future

I was spending time with my boyfriend the other day. We were in his room talking about general things and gradually, the subject of 'the future' came up. As the conversation went on I found myself getting quite upset about the things I was talking about.. my fears, worries etc and I actually got myself wound up into quite a state. When I stop to think about it I've been doing it alot lately... agonizing over what could be/might be, or things that i'm pretty sure will be...



And then, whilst comforting me, he said ' Stop worrying. I hardly ever think about the future'. At which point I turned to him and said 'Yeah and thats why you're unhappy about certain things in your life now.' (A few days earlier he'd been feeling quite low about a few things and, funnily enough, the way he was seeing his future heading in a few months time) 'Look at the state you're in now because you didn't think about the future' I said to him...(not seeing the irony of what I'd just said)

He looked at my face, tears ready to spill out from the corner of my eyes, anxiety gripping me, and he smiled and said 'And look at the state you're in now for thinking about the future.' I just burst out laughing because he was totally right!



But we're both wrong really.. him, because if you want certain things out of life you need to plan, and work towards the goal.. and me because i worry about things that I should just face at the time, instead of worrying about them in advance before they even happen!

In my day to day life recently I've been finding that my mind keeps on getting preoccupied with things that have yet to come, or things that might not even happen!.. and it's not good.. I grieve losses that aren't yet lost, feel the pain of seperations before I've even said goodbye, worry about how i'm going to cope with this that or the other.. and it's pointless! It's a habit that I've got to break but it's like half the time, these days, i'm absent from the world, because my mind keeps getting sucked back to the future! ( see what i did there? ;-) )



The conversation continued and he said, 'You live life like you're walking through an art gallery blindfolded. You miss all the beautiful things around you. By always worrying about the future you miss the happiness to be found in the here and now, you miss the beauty of being in the moment.' I couldn't argue, he was right.



As i've just mentioned, you could argue that by not worrying about the future, you could end up getting nowhere.. but I've come to the conclusion that its very logical to think about the future, very illogical to worry about it... but that's easier said than done..

I remember being a kid and how i was totally engrossed by whatever I was doing at that moment in time.. Whether it was drawing a 'work of art' for my parents, of playing hide and seek, or climbing a tree, making a den or watching a film, or making a penguin out of playdough, it had all my attention, all my focus. My thoughts weren't being dragged back to the worries that tomorrow might bring. Instead i delighted in the experiences I was having at that particular moment in time.. and you know what.. i think i was a lot happier that way! lol

I mean, when i was tucking into an ice-cream i wasn't thinking, 'oh this is gonna go straight to my bum and thighs this is'... no! i just ate the bloody thing and enjoyed it! lol!



In the wise words of Oogway the tortoise from Kung Fu Panda:

'Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.'

So maybe we should just leave Doc and Marty worry about the future... =)



But to be serious, yes we should think about the futrure, plan for it etc (its very important to do that) but i've learned its also very important to take pleasure in the here and now. God says to come to him like little children, and that means trusting Him. Trusting that He has 'plans to prosper us, not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.' And then by trusting him, that liberates us to enjoy the here and now and let go of the worry..





“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”




“Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...”
Isak Dinesen quotes (pseudonym of Baroness Karen Blixen. Danish Writer (Out of Africa, 7 Gothic Tales), 1885-1962)


“Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.”
Ovid quotes (Ancient Roman classical Poet and Author of Metamorphoses, 43 BC-17)




“we are, perhaps, uniquely among the earth's creatures, the worrying animal. We worry away our lives, fearing the future, discontent with the present, unable to take in the idea of dying, unable to sit still.”
Lewis Thomas quotes (American Physician and Writer, 1913-1993

Walk By Faith

At the moment i work in an opticians in Neath. During the quiet times when there's nothing to do you can just sit at the desk and watch the world go by. You see the stressed out mums, clutching about six bags of shopping whilst trying in vain to stop thier 'little darlings' from throwing a tantrum in the street. You see old friends greet eachother with warm hugs and smiling faces, grandparents delighting in the playful giggles of thier small granchild, or you see the sophisticated business woman, marching to her destination with confidence and purpose. I absolutley love watching the world go by, everyone is so different and interesting.... but there's this man who walks past the shop every single day without fail..



He's an older man, with shoulder length grey hair and quite a thick curly, grey beard. He wears tired looking, plain clothes, a baseball cap and a navy blue satchel thats slung over his shoulder. His eyes are hidden behind oversized sunglasses and in his hand he carries a long, white stick. He's blind..



And yet everyday i see him walk past the shop, pulling leaflets out of his satchel and offering them into the air around him, talking about the love of God, hoping that someone passing by will take one.


Every time I see him walk past I think of the scripture 2 Corinthians 5:7 ' For we walk by faith, not by sight'. And this scripture popped up in other places too... like when i saw the film 'the book of Eli'..
I was challenged by someone I talked to the other day about God and he bombarded me with questions... if there was a God why this?.. and if He was a good God why that...? and how to you know its God.. it could be just a psychological thing that you think is God... what proof have you got that He's real? how do you know the bible is right? etc... and the answer I nearly always had to give him was... I believe it because I have faith. But it really troubled me for hours afterwards.. doubt started to rear it ugly head, untill i remembered, that God had already given me the scripture to put my mind at rest... i'd been reminded of it everyday previously for the past 5 weeks since i've been working in pugh's opticians, almost as if in preperation..... 'we walk by FAITH, not by sight' ( kind of an ironic scipture to get working in an opticians too! lol! ) and when it clicked, the questions dropped from my mind and I had peace...

'It is always right that a man should be able to render a reason for the faith that is within him.' Author: Sydney Smith

'Faith is a higher faculty than reason.'

Phillip James Bailey

'To us also, through every star, through every blade of grass, is not God made visible if we will open our minds and our eyes'
Thomas Carlyle



But this hasn't just helped me with that situation. Its also made me reflect on my faith with regards to my future. There seems to be a reoccurring theme to my conversations over this past week or so and its been a theme thats preoccupied my thoughts. I've been thinking about my dreams, (as in my dreams for the future, not when i'm cwtched up in my bed dreams lol )




God puts desires/dreams in our hearts for a reason... and the bible says ' delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart'. Sometimes there are things that God speaks over our lives or there's things he's placed in our hearts, and we look at the place we're in at the time and say 'how God? How is that ever going to happen?' We look at it with our earthly eyes and get disheartened. 'How can i chase my dream with such little money?' 'Will i ever find 'the one?', 'Have i really got what it takes to achieve this or am i just kidding myself?'



And dreams are such fragile things, sometimes we're afraid to even tell anybody for fear of them being smashed to pieces, by a pessimistic,critical attitude, or a mocking snigger from the listener. (and so i do think its important to be wise about who you choose to tell your dreams to)



I think two of the biggest enemies of dreams is fear and doubt (which is obviously the oppsite of faith). Fear that you havn't got what it takes, doubting that God will fulfill his promises, fear that people will critisize, fear of failure, fearing that your dream is unattainable etc...
Thank God He gives faith as a gift... because I'd never be able to conjure it up on my own!

But meditating on the scripture has made me think that, yeah... maybe right now i have doubts and fears about my desires/dreams coming to pass, because sometimes with your earthly eyes you don't see how it could happen... but in the infamous words of george michael 'you gotta have a'faith'... and in the wonderful words of Dorothy then 'the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true'. =) lol!
But in all seriousness, as painfully hard as it can be sometimes.. when the world comes against you and your mind is screaming out to you to give up your dream or even your faith in God, we really have got to walk by faith.

'Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.' Author: Anonymous

'I can believe anything provided it is incredible.'
Author: Oscar Wilde

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Author: Martin Luther King Jr.

Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. Author: St Augustine

What if?

The beggining of the year is when most of us examine certain aspects of ourselves and try to make a change for the better - a new years resolution. These usually include, losing weight/getting into shape, being healthier. This year, i not only focused on trying to be healthier physically, but also mentally... because...when i really took the time to reflect on how much time i spend worrying about things i shocked myself. Worry really isnt good for us..
'Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. ~Glenn Turner' ... and thats exactly what i've been doing... getting nowhere.

In my mind i'd always think about the person i would be one day and the things i would do one day .. and the years have gone by and i'm still not that person and i still havn't done those things...i'm still held back by the question 'what if'? we all probebly do it... from the really big worries ... what if i show them who i am and they don't accept me? What if i open up to that person and they hurt me? What if what i have to offer isn't good enough? What if i'm not good looking enough? What if i fail?
...to the smaller worries....What if they don't like what i'm wearing? what if they don't like my haircut? A lot of the time our talents, our personalities, the things we have to offer the world and even our hearts are wrapped up in chains labeled what if?

The other day during work i was reflecting on the crazy amount of whatiffing i do =) and i realised... its not the what if thats the bad part... its what comes after... what if + fear and negative thinking = us being bound by fear, unable to be who we really are, unable to love like we're mean't to love, and being held back from where we should be going ( not to mention a bad tension headache ) lol
On the other hand, however, if we change what comes after the what if...
what if i show them who i am and they do accept me? What if what i have to offer is good enough? What if they think i am beautiful/goodlooking? what if i open up to him/her and they don't hurt me? What if i succeed and reach my goal? what if they think my haircut is the best thing since sliced bread!? ;)Why don't we ever ask ourselves these questions!?
Then what if + a bit of courage and positive thinking = freedom to be who we really are, freedom to reach our full potential, and have close, deep meaningfull relationships/friendships.
An easy, simple concept to understand... bit more difficult to actually do...

I don't know maybe i'm pessimistic or something, maybe i'm the only one who sometimes gets into the rut of thinking 'what if+negative'.... and its kinda weird writing this because yet again i'm thinking what if people don't get it? what if they think i'm stupid/i'm talking rubbish, what if they critisize it?( not that i really think anyone is gonna wanna listen to me babbling on) but i guess for me this post is part of my new years resolution... by putting aside my fears of what could be... not what nessecarily what will be and thinking what if +positive. what if somebody reads it and does think its kinda ok ;)

'Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.'

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.~Ralph Waldo Emerson